Quote of the Day

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How to Win Whitworth


Don’t skip night class. That is like skipping a whole week of class. I skipped one night class this semester and my grade took a hit it never really recovered from. 140 point quiz, ouch. Day classes, go nuts, you are paying to go here, if you feel like skipping, skip. You only need to maintain a 2.0 to keep your scholarship.

Whenever you’re bored, start getting homework done for goodness sakes. You don’t want to have one of those situations where your friends drop by and say “Hey! We’re going to all go meet Jean Claude Van Damm at Lazer Quest and then go and get free Ben and Jerry’s ice cream they’re giving out during the Awesome Parade!”

And then you have to say, “Can’t. I have a reading response on Pascal to do. But that sounds fun too.”

Print in the library, you’ll save around 50 dollars a year that way. If it’s printing double-sided and you just don’t roll that way simply go into printer options, and uncheck the double-sided box. Still, don’t be the schmoe who prints out the 75-page powerpoint presentation with a black background. And then prints it out again when he finds a typo.


Which classes you take and when you take them aren’t nearly as important as who the teacher is. There are a few teachers you must take classes from, towering pillars of the Whitworth experience: Teachers like Pyle, Oakland, and Sitsser.

It’s no coincidence that some of Whitworth’s toughest teachers – Mohrlang, Migliazzo, Sugano- are also some of the best. (Oddly enough, they are also among the toughest to spell correctly.) A teacher who’s difficult has to be incredible just to avoid all their students flunking, a situation the Dean would frown upon. Take a class from one of them and you’ll be challenged, frustrated, aggravated, tested, stretched, and battered. These teachers will be able to hone into your B.S., and neatly fillet it, and serve it back to you on a china platter with garnishes that read “”Nice try”” Your papers will drip almost tauntingly with red ink. Drip… drip… drip…

This is precisely why I recommend you take classes from these tough teachers. You’ll come out a stronger man, a better writer, and a deeper thinker. Wear those classes like a badge of honor. “Sugano? Oh, yeah. I rocked Sugano. What of it?”


If you came here to knock down random drunk college slutties like you see on MTV’s spring break, you came to the wrong place. Don’t worry, it’s not too late to get into WSU, they will take just about anyone at anytime, like a WSU sorority girl. HI-YO! But what Whitworth girls lack in drunken sluttiness they more than make up for in some things that seem much less important when you are two Old English 40’s deep: substance and class.

If you need a dramatic love confession to figure out if somebody likes you, they probably don’t.

Don’t date until at least the Jan Term of your freshmen year. Too many students – still intoxicated on the power of Traditiation wooing – get a girlfriend within weeks, and spend the next few months seeing nothing but each other’s eyes. Frankly, first semester relations have the lifespan of a goose going through a jet turbine. Oddly enough, this is exactly what the breakup looks like.

In a hauntingly similar situation, don’t play any video games until at least your sophomore year. Too many people have been sucked in by the siren song of World of Warcraft and end their four years with nothing to show for it but pasty white skin and a blister on the mouse finger. Remember the verse in Corinthians, “If I have a level 70 blood elf paladin, with an epic mount, and the full set of the glowing epic armor of Snol’Toc, but have not love, I am nothing.”

DTR” does not stand for “Denmark Transit Radio.” Instead its an abbreviation for “define the relationship,” one of those delightful conversation that begins with those four ominous words: “We need to talk.”


If you are not Christian, you can still go to Whitworth. There are plenty of us heathens running around.


During finals week, late night meals are free. I did not learn this until my third semester at Whitworth. Since this discovery, I have been utilizing, nay, abusing this amazing offer. You should too.

Master the faux swipe. Yes I am condoning sneaking into Saga. If you don’t have an unlimited meal plan, and there is no one standing at the till, just wave your wallet over the sensor. Booya, free lunch.

Spokane water tastes like doodoo. Bring your nalgene to saga and fill up at the drink station, or buy a Britta filter. Unless you like the taste of lead. It didn’t bother Nero.

If, for some odd reason, you tire of the delectable glory of SAGA, Del Taco offers three crunchy or soft tacos for only dollar with your Whitworth ID. The taste isn’t great, but the contests to see how many you cram down your gullet before surrendering to the limits of your bulging gut certainly are.

No one calls the Coffee Shop “Mind and Hearth,” and for a very good reason: That name is lame. It’s either called “Stan’s”- named after ‘Stan’- or “The Coffee Shop” named after the fact that it’s a Coffee Shop.

Just because the Cocoa machine in the dining hall is out of hot chocolate, that doesn’t mean you have to start breaking out the mournful dirges of the lost souls. Hint: The extra cocoa’s in the cabinet under the machine. Pop open the front of the cocoa machine by “pulling” on it, open the little tupperware container where the cocoa goes, and pour the newly-discovered cocoa packet into the receptacle. Close machine. Fill cup. Drink.

* Technically, the Dining Hall is known as “Saga” while the company that serves Saga is “Sodexho.” It’s acceptable on casual reference to simply refer to both as Saga, however, even though the company ‘Saga’ went out of business 21 years ago. Calling everything “Sodexho” will either out you as a freshman or a Whitworthian copy editor. And nobody wants that.

Student Life

There are two parties every weekend. I like to refer to them as the “business major” party, and the “peace studies major” party. Not everyone at the former is a business major and likewise for the latter, those are just names I gave them based on stereotypes. The BM parties are populated with athletes and beer pong and Top 40 music. PSM parties are populated by hippies, indie kids, dancing, and the same three USE and Peter Bjorn and John songs ad nauseum. Both are fun, choose wisely.

Some people prefer eating alone to eating with strangers. For the first two weeks it is acceptable to sit next to people you don’t know and introduce yourself. Everyone is trying to meet new people and expand their horizons. But after that grace period, if you see someone eating alone, don’t think you need to rescue them from their loneliness. Some, like me, would rather forgo the meaningless pleasantries (“What’s your major?”) and just eat. I met so many biology and business majors in Saga the first week that I never spoke to again. All that time talking could have been better spent eating.

Never say anything mean about anyone ever. Social networks are incomprehensibly complex. Let loose a casual insult and the next thing you know it’s scampering along the grapevine and you’ve earned yourself a fledgling reputation as a meaniehead.

Similarly, girls generally hate in packs. Be a jerk to one, and don’t be surprised when you walk into Saga and are immediately pinned to the wall by a barrage of poisonous glares. This simmering hatred just doesn’t go away with time either. Grudges, when shared, passed around, and reinforced by occasionally sycophantic peers, can last practically forever.

Don’t drink in the dorms. I say this not because I have a moral objection to it, but because it’s just not fun. If you go to UW or WSU, everyone else in the dorms is drinking too, it’s fun. If you are drinking in your dorm at Whitworth, chances are it is just you and your roommate, not so fun.

If you are living in a dorm, you already know that you won’t have cable. If you are a sports fan, invest in a Slingbox. Its 100-200 dollars, you hook it up to your cable and internet at home, and you can watch your home cable on your computer. It is great. I would not have made it through baseball season without it last year.


Participate in traditiation. Tear up your cool card. It is the best way to make friends fast and if you let yourself be a goober and have fun, you will remember traditiation for the rest of your life. You don’t want to miss out on Mock Rock.


Don’t drive from class to class. My roommate sophomore year drove his car from parking lot to parking lot between classes. This campus is small, that is completely unnecessary, don’t be a douche.

The days of the bicycle free trade agreement are gone. There was a time when you could leave your bike unlocked, and someone might borrow it and bring it back. You could just hop on any unlocked bike and take it to the HUB as long as you brought it back. The rash of bike thefts in the fall put an end to that. Lock up your bike.

Having a bike cuts transportation time between classes down by more than half, giving you more time to be late to class.

Whitworth Terminology

That metal hunk in front of the library is known as the “Big Ugly.” The artist set out to create the Biggest Ugly imaginable, and he succeeded admirably.

There’s far less clarity over the name of the rather exuberant statue throwing his arms up in glee out in the soccer field. People either call him “Victory Jesus,” “Football Jesus” or something far less politically correct.

Big Three: Cohabitation. Inebriation. Decapitation

Little Three: Dropping your tray. Not dropping your pinecone. And don’t forget the secret little three that the

Whitworth Government doesn’t want you to know about: Getting engaged by spring of your senior year. Or “Ring by spring”. (Followed closely, they say, by “Seperation after Graduation.”

Histochris: History of Christianity, not to be confused with Histogram of Christopher.

JKOG- Jesus and the Kingdom of God, not to be confused with J-Cog, the lovable, jive-talking robot in a series of poor selling self-published steampunk novels.

ANP: American National Politics, not to be confused with Anatomy and Physiology.

ANP: Anatomy and Physiology, not to be confused with American National Politics.

“Whitworth University,” “Whitworth College” “Whitworth College University” and “Whitworth Community College University Technical Institute” are all acceptable names for the school we go to.

ASWU is pronounced “Ay Es Triple You.” You may also call them the “aswutang-clan.”

I hope this helps. You have made a great decision in coming to Whitworth, and remember, Gonzaga is your mortal enemy.

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